ISIL Threats from a Hipster Barista

ISIL Threats from a Hipster Barista

Dear Abu Anwar al-Canadi,

Holy production values, man, you’re a star!  That stoic walk-up, with the camera set down and at an angle, that was cool shit!  You totally could have been in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I know you’ll get that reference, because you look about my age and said you were a typical Canadian.  Don’t lie, I know you watched the show.  Speaking of empowered women, have you purchased a Yazidi sex slave yet?  I just can’t imagine your facial hair is getting you laid over there.  But hey, maybe that’ll change now that you’re an internet celebrity for the next fifteen minutes.  I’m glad all that money ISIL is getting from discount oil sales to real states has allowed you to buy an HD camera and some editing software.  You’ll be shooting music videos in no time – maybe you could get your old high school band together and try out for ISIL Idol?

Speaking of your new TV star career, we might want to re-think your look.  That scarf and the beard only make you look like a hipster barista – you know, the one in the sixth year of getting his political science degree.  I get that you’re trying to blend in with your new friends, but dude, it’s not exactly threatening when you’re going “blah blah hellfire” and all I’m thinking about is how I hope they still have Pumpkin Spice Lattes in December.  And your shirt buttoned all the way to the top… let loose a bit, you know?  You gotta look approachable if you’re going to convince anyone that cold-blooded village-wide executions are this year’s Gangnam Style.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I think you’ve been away from Canada for too long, man – you’ve lost perspective.  ISIL is literally less of a threat to the typical Canadian than a bad patch of ice… and we’re a country built on winter.  I’d also suggest working on your voice a bit for the next video.  Maybe develop a sinister British accent and stop sounding like the whiny ultra-liberal cousin we all try to ignore at Thanksgiving?  Or better yet, just hire Liam Neeson.  Did you see him in Taken?  His delivery of long-distance, non-specific death threats is next to goddamned perfect.  Plus, he can actually grow a beard.

Categories: Opinion

About Author

Farnell Morisset

Farnell Morisset has an engineering degree from Université Laval and common law and civil law degrees from McGill University, where he also studied economics.

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