It gets stupider

It gets stupider

A timely piece of insanity from the the one and only Ross Murray

In Quebec, we speak out loud and clear against misogyny, homophobia, bullying, tuition hikes, women in niqabs, soccer players in turbans, dogs in tiny wool sweaters, men in leggings, and so on.

Yet one form of discrimination is allowed to continue unchecked and unabated, unkindly: Rossyphobia!

There is a systematic anti-Ross sentiment that prevails across this province, but mostly at the IGA and at the post office and the place where I buy my lottery tickets and insist they fill in my 6/49 numbers for me because it’s bad luck if I do it.

I have been the victim of cruel and malicious remarks going back many, many years. People have called me “awkward,” “ugly,” “weird,” “generally unpleasant.” Then I entered Grade 2, and things didn’t improve much at all.

Just because I defend my right to listen to Anthrax at full volume in my work cubicle, which I find soothing, commentators have disparaged me by saying “Ross is being difficult” and “Ross is not a team player” and “Speak up! I can’t hear you over the noise!”

The evidence of the double-standard against me is clear and widespread. For example, every single day, hundreds of people are granted access to public fitness and health facilities without any rigmarole. But as soon as I try to enter the women-only gym, all hell breaks loose.

I am routinely referred to as pig-headed, intolerant and stupid, which is not only hateful Ross-bashing but not something you expect to hear from your own children. And just because I demand they not make eye contact with me when they fetch me ice-cold malt beverages!

Whenever I refer to everyone with dark skin as “Gilgamesh,” I am called “a racist” and “confused,” when really it’s a compliment because Gilgamesh was a total bad-ass! Rossyphobia!

If I try to defend myself against these criticisms, that is when we see the true face of discrimination against me. “You said I’m a Nazi!” I will say, to which my critics will reply, “No, Ross, we said you smell nasty.” Rossyphobia!

Those who continue to systematically demonize me have some serious soul-searching to do. We’ll probably never know for sure whether there was a direct link between the ceaseless Rossyphobic barrage in the media and that time I was found wandering the park naked under the delusion that all the squirrels were North Korean spies. But one thing is for sure: that letter to the editor referring to my lighthearted column on masturbation as “the work of a whack job” certainly did not help.

Today, I denounce these aggressive attacks on me and Internet comments in general because none of it is very nice.

I declare with this statement that I am no more of a jerk than the next guy. And look at him, he is SUCH A HUGE JERK! Why don’t you pick on him for a while?

Please join me in ending the cycle of intimidation against me. I encourage you to criticize the critics who criticize my criticism. Let us not build walls as Gilgamesh did. (Total bad-ass!) But let us see the light, the light that shines down on us all and reveals with certainty that I am right.

I invite you to sign your name to this declaration in support of the fight against Rossyphobia.

You must sign in green ink in block letters.

Do not make eye contact with me.

Categories: News, Opinion

About Author

Ross Murray

Ross Murray is an award-winning humorist and radio contributor and the author of two books ‘You’re Not Going to Eat That, Are You?’ and ‘Don’t Everyone Jump at Once’. Raised in Nova Scotia, Ross has lived in the Eastern Townships of Quebec since the early 1990’s with his wife Debbie, four children and far too many pets. After all this time, Ross feels comfortable calling himself a Townshipper; his neighbours call him something else.

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