Prince Quagmire Gets Hungry

Prince Quagmire Gets Hungry

The Eek People of Eek

Part 3 – Prince Quagmire Gets Hungry

By Jason Enlow
Photos by Ken Enlow

Prince Quagmire was sailing on a mighty ship from Port Manteau with his father. The OaQuaLaFa struggled across the Strait of Wonowon to Semolina Island. Prince Quagmire looked up into King Kandor’s reasonable blue eyes and marvelled at how well his accommodating arms handled the sturdy ship’s wheel. Salt water sprayed over the rails, getting the prince wet and causing the king to unleash his expansive laughter. The prince woke up.  The grey walls of the castle frowned down on him. The Prince rolled over, shielding himself with his feather filled headdown.

The prince took off his royal pyjamas and put on his sneak about town clothes. He was going out. He took the secret stairs and made his way to the city’s streets. The people he passed paid no attention to him and he was standing outside of The Watch & Dog in no time. Prince Quagmire pushed the door to the restaurant open and stepped inside. Painted scenes of Semolina greeted him and bouncer sized vases crowded the way to his table.

The owner, Mr. Gnosis, walked over to Prince Quagmire’s table, smiling. He was a Semolinian and distinct from both the Eek People and the People of Eek. He looked different, acted different and different was good. It was just what the prince was in the mood for.

“Welcomes, welcomes, yess, yess, sits, sits. A menus, a menus.”

Prince Quagmire opened the menu written in the authentic Semolinian dialect. Semolinians are not able to pronounce the “k” sound and an extra “s” is added to almost every word with many words being repeated. Speaking to a Semolinian was like conversing with a slow leak with an echo. It was charming. The prince spent a few minutes discussing with his host what the menu, and Semolina Island, had to offer and was just about to order when the front door burst open and the Eek Lexicon Fuzz strode in.

“Mores guests, mores guests!” Mr. Gnosis was obviously pleased as he gestured to his son to bring more menus over to the table beside Prince Quagmire. The ELFs sat down and began turning their menus sideways and upside down. They looked perturbed.

“There’s a problem with your menus, eek,” said ELF s1.

Mr. Gnosis looked perplexed. “Ohs? Ohs? Reallys? Reallys?…Ees…        

“It’s not ‘ees’, it’s eek and your menus are supposed to be in Eekese, not Semo-whatever language you speak,” said ELF 2.

“Yess, sirs. Buts I can’ts writes ors reads Eesese. Hows abouts mys famous Somanys Sowordfishes steaks? Ons the houses?”

The ELFs pushed their chairs back. “You’ve got three days to bring these menus up to code,” said ELF 3. “A couple Kingdom of Kerfuffle flags around here wouldn’t hurt either. You’re not in Semolina anymore.”

Some Semolinians came to Port Manteau looking for adventure and some arrived hoping to find work and still others stayed for love. Mr. Gnosis had braved the Supercilious Sea Monsters that lurked beneath the waves of Wonowon Strait for all three – but he was starting to wish that he hadn’t.

Just then ELF 4 dropped his clipboard. An idea in his own head had surprised him. Why not encourage people to use Eekese by offering incentives…like free flags, or tax breaks? Everyone knew that the Eek People and the People of Eek paid the highest taxes in the kingdom, but nobody was quite sure why or what for. Surely a tax cut would inspire people like Mr. Gnosis to have his menu printed in the right language! As ELF 4 bent down to pick up his lost clipboard, his eyes met those of the prince.


The prince had been trying to hide, but the tables at The Watch & Dog weren’t as large as the plaster busts of ancient Semolinian gods vying for floor space. The four ELFs crowded around the prince’s table followed by Mr. Gnosis and his son. The prince had little choice.

“Well, who else would it be?” said the prince. “What took you bumbling morons so long to discover this embarrassment of a restaurant? Do I have to find all the subversives myself? Never mind, let’s just get out of here and I’ll file the paperwork myself. EEK!”

Prince Quagmire gathered his cloak and swept out the restaurant with the ELFs padding after him. He had no intention of filing any report against Mr. Gnosis, not if he could help it, but he was going to have to find another hardworking, small business owner to push around. He sighed. It was going to be a long time before he would be able to sink his teeth into a juicy Semolinian Somany Sowardfish steak, a really long time.

The Eek People Eek – Part 1

The Eek People of Eek – Part 2 – A Higher Power

Categories: News

About Author

Jason Enlow

Jason Enlow is a Special Education Technician at an English elementary school. He was born in Montreal, Quebec and grew up in Burlington, Ontario. Jason studied Radio and Television at Ryerson University in Toronto. His previous employers include CityTV, CBC, The Weather Network, and Global Television. He’s worked as a DJ, camera operator, musician, teacher, translator and video game content designer. Jason moved to Quebec City in 1997 where he still lives today with his wife and three sons.

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